Again and Again..Life goes on

Again here we are in November.  One of my dreaded months.  I should be thankful for this month, but I'm not.  I actually hate it.  Because 3 years ago at this time I was patiently awaiting my 3rd child.  He didnt have a name at that time but we called him, "Ralphie".  Him and I had already been through some major battles,  Morning sickness that was so bad some days I wasnt able to get out of the bed.  I dont think I cooked one single thing for about 6 weeks.  And then at 31 weeks the terrible blood clot in my lung.  I was rushed to the hospital, the anxiety and sitting there with an oxygen tank and then being taken in for a CT scan.  From the moment I got to the hospital they had the monitor hooked up and all I could hear was the "Thump Thump" of his heart.  He was a fighter.  I remember the nurse telling me what an active boy I had because she could hear him in my stomach moving around so much!!   I want an active 3 year old.  I want to potty train, I want to put him in time out, I want him to sleep on the bottom of the bunk where he belongs, I want him in Church Nursery with his little sister and MOST OF ALL I want him back so we can celebrate his 3rd Birthday!!

Different times, different feelings.

November is coming, November is Connor's Birthday month and a hard, sad day for me. Because I want my 3 yr old to hold and kiss. I want to buy him presents, and see him eat lots of cake. Yes, these moments make me cry, but they don't make me terribly mad like last year. I can tell I'm changing. I'm changing a lot. My feelings towards this is changing too. I miss him terribly, but sometimes you have to accept the things that have happened to you. Am I starting to realize this really happened, just maybe I am...who knows?

September brings new changes...hopefully.

I found this on another blog and felt like it was meant for me.  I felt like this was going to be a new year for me, but I feel like I have made no improvement.  So with September in the works, and it always feels like a new beginning with school starting, im going to try really hard to get rid of some of my anger.  So please respect my wishes and know that I love every single one of you, even if I dont always act like it.

MY GRIEF WISH LIST (I found this today and it is SO fitting)

.....I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

......If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me: the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

......I wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances.

......I will have emotional highs and lows, up and down. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

.....I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse or a pet.

....Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.
I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

.....I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few YEARS are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics I will never be ‘cured’ or a ‘formerly bereaved’, but forever a ‘recovering’ from my bereavement.

....I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

.....Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of his death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

.....I wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party. This is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

....I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ‘my old self’, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me: maybe you will still like me.

As you all know I have changed, I am a different person.  I cant go back to being OLD Lisa.  She died the day Connor died.  I have to make a new way for my life now, its not the one of ever dreamed of, nor expected.  I have to make do till I take my last breathe without my Son.  And I will NEVER EVER forget that. 

Thanks so much for your patience!!

Miss you

I miss my little boy, I wake up every morning thinking about him. He was the prettiest and sweetest baby. I look at my children everyday and know we are not complete. It makes me very angry to know that he is gone. I don't do well with anger. Anger eats at all people, and can ruin you inside. It's eating me, and I am not the person I was nor will I ever be again. I am changed forever. I am very angry that I lost Connor, it sometimes is hard to even come out of my mouth...."My son, Connor, died from SIDS one cold and rainy March morning." I have to say those words for the rest of my life....Do you really blame me for being so angry???

Something to be Jealous of...

About a month ago, my Aunt ( which is basically my second mother) was told that het 5 year battle with Ovarion Cancer has come to an end. There is nothing more medically that can be done. As I drove home from the hospital one night, I realized how jealous I am of her. She will see my Connor before me. Oh how I want to see him. I love her dearly and she doesn't want to die, but I would trade places with her in a New York minute to see my boy again.

A Balloon to Heaven

Last Saturday I took my kids to the Ashland Berry Festival.  They all got balloons.  So after we left, we had to stop by the store to pick up a few groceries.  As I was trying to get Catey out of the car, Lindsey opened the other door and her Yellow baloon went out the door.  Up and Up and Up in the sky.  I looked at it and Lindsey says it's okay, I'm not going to cry.  I waited a moment and said " Lindsey, you just sent a balloon to Connor".  She says, your right Mom.  So we all 4 stood there in the parking lot and watched that balloon until we couldn't see it again. Lindsey talked about how much Connor was going to like it, Mitchell asked how he would know it was for him, and I just stood there against the car and cried.  I had alot of things going through my head...I cant believe this happened to us, I cant believe that my children think about their brother in Heaven and how much we MISSED him.  I ALSO wished I could have fit in that balloon!!

To say Goodbye....

Life isnt easy, Some of us go through some of the worst things we never ever thought we would.  I have been thinking about Connor alot lately.  And how much I miss him, I am not sure if some of you realize how much I think about him.  He is in my thoughts ALL the time.  Through my daily life I think about him.  I wish I would have had more time to be his mother.  I have NEVER lost anything that I couldnt replace...I lost him and I couldnt fix it.  I wanted to raise him, I wanted to see him walk and go to school.  I wanted to hear him tell me he loved me.  I NEVER got that, I feel he did though, because he definetly knew who Chris and I were and he would smile at us all the time.  I know I am babbling but I miss him so much.  I hope he knows I would have done anything to have had the chance to say Goodbye, I hope he knows how much I love him and how much I wish he would have stayed with us a little longer.

Mommy loves you Sweet Boy!!

Something I realized yesterday...

So on Monday I wasn't feeling the best about things, a little sad to be honest.  And nothing really went my way.  So last night after Soccer, the kids and I came home.  I had cried the whole way home to myself.  We came upstairs and Mitchell started talking about something that he likes that I do for him.  Then Lindsey was talking about how she wanted ME to go with her on her field trip, and Cate was following me around whining because she wanted ME to pick her up.  I went into my bedroom, sat on my ottoman picked up Cate and listened to what Lindsey was saying, when it hit me.  These 3 children absolutley adore me, they think I am the best thing ever.  And they all want me around and want to be my friend.  They need me and rely on me..and best of all they LOVE me no matter what (even if I get mad and yell at them).  What more could I ask for?  I need them and they need me.  They are truly my blessings!!

PS.  I know Connor loved me too...He ALWAYS wanted me and ONLY me to hold him.  I miss him, I think about the life we could have shared together. 

A Little Pick me Upper

So we all remember back in January, when I got told how crazy I was and I needed mental help by someone who doesnt even know me??

Okay, well the last 2 weeks I got told how much I am loved by the people that do know me??  DO you know how special I feel right now?? 

First, I am not going to name names, because with my reputation I can totally understand if you dont want anyone to know how much you TOTALLY love me.....:)

My Mother is NEVER ashamed of me, so I can name her.  Anyways, she's been there since the moment I found that little boy asleep forever in his crib.  Can you imagine her pain??  She's put up with my drama for 31 years and still loves me...WOW, she must be pretty amazing!!  Thanks for ALWAYS putting up with me Mom, I love you!!

Then, this week Chris and I were talking about how we will always be someone's problem.  It made me really sad because because I dont want to be ANYONE's problem.  But this is who I am now, I was given that sweet boy a short 16 weeks, and I am so sorry I lost him.  But I can't turn my back on it and not talk about it, I cant just act like it never happened.  It will shape me to who I am now.

So, I recieved a card in the mail the other day from a friend, and there was a note in there on all 2 sides of the card.  It made me feel so special, just to know she was thinking of me, and that I not alone.

Then, On Monday I got a visit from another friend, for some reason we didnt come to the door.  SO she left cookies and sent me a email.  It was a great email, and then at the end, she told me that her and her husband at re-newed our Ensign (church Magazine) subsciption.  Which was so enounmously giving.  This sweet friend has been put through some trials herself, with her Husband losing his job and her having to leave her sweet children and working.  I dont think I would have ever been able to do that for another family, just they knew we were having a hard month.  It really taught me something about sacrifice for others and how to be so loving.  I will NEVER forget it.

Then there are those of you, that always call, always leave comments and call me when you are doing your housework just to talk.  I want you to know I leave half the comments I do because I know you will respond and I NEED YOUR WORDS!!

Then there is one SPECIAL someone that has become my friend through this great trial.  She ALWAYS has my back no matter how stupid I act.  She always go shopping with me, to our favorite Thursday hangout, Goodwill.  She always know when I need to go too, when I need to get out of the house.  She's always there and I am so glad for her to be an ADULT friend.  I know I will have her for a lifetime.

I could not possible list all of you but you know who you are.  You are the ones that call ALL the time even though I dont answer.  You are the ones that take me to the DR, even though my husbnd is at home, just because you want to, you are the ones that go with me to the cementary because you want to see where my sweet boy is buried.  I love you all and I wouldnt be ALIVE without you. 

What did I expect from life?

The other day Chris and I were sitting on the couch, he on his side and I on my side holding Cate while she slept.  And I caught a glimpse of some pictures that Lindsey had taken to school last week.  She was the Spotlight Child and had to take pictures of herself.  On the top was a picture of Chris, me, Lindsey and the dog taken in 2002.  Lindsey was maybe 1.  I just looked at that picture, then at myhusband and started balling.  I was so sad because in 2002, we had some much to look forward to.  We had an amazing child, Chris had a good job and we moving into this house.  We were starting out and we were excited.  Why didnt we know what we were going to face 7 years later.  Why did this happen to us??  Why? Why? Why?  I looked over at my husband and thought, Why did he marry me?  If he would have married someone else, then he would have never had this heartache.  No one knows how bad it hurts to lose your child.  I dont care how old they are. 

 I just wish this wasnt my life, I wish we didnt have to battle this pain everyday.  I NEVER would have ever thought this would have happened to me?  Now, I will face as long as I live, and that scares me.  How much longer can one deal with pain like this?  How do you continue to go on and live life without your child?

Chris will tell you a story about me.....The day after we buried Connor, I had to be put to sleep and have a DNC.  The 9 week old baby living inside me no longer had a heart beat.  Because it was outpatient, and I freaked out when they tried to separate me from Chris before they put me to sleep, they allowed him to come back and be there when they woke me up.  He says that he was watching me, When I woke up and opened my eyes, I looked at him and probably because of all the meds, I started smiling.  I smiled for maybe 10-15 seconds, until I remembered what had happened to me......

I don't ever forget what has happened.  I will carry that child with me forever.  He was and still is my child.

It must be March...

I know I have said this before but I hate March.  March just Sucks.  Can you believe I said those two bad words.  When I was growing up, I was NEVER allowed to say them, and I never did. Until My Son died.  Then I said them ALOT, just hopefully not in front of my children.  But there is no other word for it, but it just sucks!!  And I HATE it!!  Okay, now that I made myself laugh (and I hope you did too), let me get to my point.  March is just so dreary, the morning Connor died was too.  It was misty and cold.  It was semi dark out.  It was just not cheerful at all.  Thats how March is...just sad and scary and ugly to me.  I can not wait till next week, and APRIL the 1st, bring  on the sunshine...I need it!!

Talking about Sunshine, some rays came my way today.  I got the sweetest phone call from a friend, although we arent super close, and I dont know her very well, she's still my friend.  She called to tell me, she found my blog, and it made her cry and laugh.  And just that she thought it was so great for me to be sharing my feelings the way I am.  Man, I love her more now!!  Thanks so much, you have no idea how much that meant to me, especially during these dreary March days.

Also, I have to thank all my Close Friends, that have kept an eye on me this month.  You all know who you are and I will NEVER forget all that you do for me and my family!!  Your the BEST!!

SIDS

Okay, so I have said in the beginning that this blog is the good, the bad and the ugly.  Well, here lately I think it's been ALOT of bad and ugly.  There has been something that has bothered me for about a week.  And I have a friend that has a child that has gone through Autism, so I hope she will be able to understand where I am coming from.  I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE THAT THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT SIDS AND SHOULD TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD HAVE OR SHOULDN"T BEEN DOING.  Okay, there I said it.  There is a Mother that lost a child to SIDS aboout a month ago, and I found her through the Blogger world.  Anyways people post all these things on her blog about SIDS that I think is so ridiculous.  For one, I do not believe serotonain levels have anything to do with it.  I was told by the Chief ME for the State of VA, that Connor's levels were all normal.  Another thing, our fan was running in our room.  I am just so tired of other people that have no idea what they are talking about telling other mothers that just went through your WORST nightmare what can be done different.

I have done my RESEACH, do you know how many nights I stayed up all night reading EVERY article on the Internet.  I was so obsessed.....

And this mess about a Angel Care monitor, yes I have one for Caty.  But I have NEVER used it, can you believe that.  Do you know why??  Because SIDS is UNPREVENTABLE...yep you heard that right, unpreventable.  No matter what you do, you can't prevent it.  There is no prevention. 

There are things that medical research says will help, run fans, sleep in their own crib, annual household income over 40,000 a year, your baby's race, your baby's sex, your baby's weight.....Do you want me to go on....

Chris and I were told by Connor's ME, that we fit no criteria......

Now, that I got that off my chest, please dont think I am a expert, because I'm not.  I just think when it comes to death of someone's child, please dont talk statistics with them.  Those things can only hurt their hearts.

2 Whole Years has gone by...

Two years ago yesterday, I opened my eyes an had a feeling come over my whole body that something was wrong.  I jumped up like anyone would do and ran to Connor's room.  I pushed the door open and all I felt was coldness and I heard nothing.  But what I did see was our dog Savannh laying in the middle of the room looking at me.  I ran to Connor's crib and immediatly knew something was very wrong.  In those moments, my life changed FOREVER.  How could this happen to us, and I still have a hard time believing it.  I sometimes wonder how do I go on with all this pain I feel?  How do I live and breathe with all this pain.  I do and I have continued to go on, but please dont ask me how.  I can not give you that answer.  All I can tell you is that My Heavenly Father loves me very much.  He loves my children very much.  And that my Connor is in the only person's arms that could possibly love him more than Chris and I.  And he will be there until my aching arms can hold him again.

The Conclusion...

Okay, so I ran into Mrs. Evil ( the Loser at church that sent me the nasty email back in January) at Walmart 2 wees ago after Lindsey's dance practice.  Anyways she pranced on by me expecting me to say NOTHING...Wrong, she messed with the wrong girl.  I walked right up to her, with all 3 kids in tow, and demanded an apologize.  I told her how the things she said hurt me and upset me really bad.  And that I couldnt understand why she would say those things....Do you know what she proceded to do...She laughed at me, thats when I got mad, really mad!!  I then started asking her why she said the things concerning me and the death of my son, she laughed again and would not comment, good thing for her because had she brought up Connor I probably would have taken all my anger out.  She told me I was Crazy and all about My drama...Okay, great.  I told her she was fake and not the "Molly Mormon" she proclaimed herself to be at church.  She then proceded to drop the F Bomb, which my children are not familiar with. I asked her to stop and started to walk away, and she yelled it like 10 times...Nice right??  I then told her she was showing who she really was, and how terrible of a person she was. I then basically ran out of the store with Mitchell crying, because I didnt get the snacks he needed for his team.  I was crying too at this point.  I sat in the car awhile and then explained to my children what just happened.  How their Mother chose to stand up for herself and for her family.  And that I was sorry I was upset but I wasnt upset with them.  Lindsey just said that she couldnt understand why Sister "Evil" was being so mean to her Mom.  Of course I wanted to say, " Because she's crazy and she better be glad my children were there or I would have slapped her in the face."  Just kidding I would NEVER act in that manner...LOL!!  Anyways I came home to the BEST husband in the World, and I truly mean this..He is the Rock and the reason our marriage has made it through Connor's death.  He made me a promise about 2 days after Connor died in the dark car with our other 2 children sleeping in the back, He told me we would make it, no matter what, we would make it through this.    I love him so much for that.  So, I came home and told him what happened, we talked about all of it.  He agreed that I should have said the things I said and then said, "Well, at church on Sunday, we are going into Sacrament and sit on the row with her and her husband, and then I will have a Nice long talk with him."  I am so glad to be married to the Giant that everyone has ALWAYS been afraid of!! 

Friday Morning I woke up and felt like a huge rock had been lifted off my heart...It felt so good, to get rid of all the pain I had been carrying around since she sent that email.  This may not have been the best way to end this situation, but it felt good to me.....

I Hate March.

Okay, March is the WORST month and probably will be for the rest of my life.  I think about 2 years ago on March the 1st.  We were blessing our sweet baby boy at church.  Wow, was he a BIG boy that day.  I think Grandma Stafford took the 9 mth outfit back and bought the 12mth just so it would button around his neck.  Man, I miss that sweet neck and his smell.  I miss EVERYTHING about him.  They way he loved me, no one will ever love you the way  your children do.  I just miss  his love everyday.  Amy and I went and put flowers on his grave last week, would you have ever thought black daisies and white tulips would be so pretty.  Well, they are.  Everything about him was perfect.  I feel very alone in this world without him.  You ever get that feeling when you leave home like you have forgotten something...I have that feeling ALL THE TIME.  I am never fully complete.  March is just a reminder of what has happened to us. 

On a brighter note, I think sometimes that he isnt here, well the last couple of days have proven me wrong.  It has been very quiet in my house the last couple of days...I have been on the sofa or in the bed.  I hear all sorts of things, the gate coming open at the top of the stairs, little feet running down the hallway, and a quiet voice.  He's here, he hasn't left his mother, I just haven't been listening.

SERIOUSLY???

So My Husband told me on Sunday night, WE HAVE to go back to church this Sunday.  At first I was furious...Really, I'm STILL so freaking mad...Do you want me to KILL some people??  Why should I be forced to go back to church with a bunch of people who hate me, who disrepect the things that have happened in my life...That are so HORRIBLY mean to me and expect me to brush off my son's death.  And then I am suppose to sit there and look at them with their PERFECT little families and then look at how IMPERFECT and INCOMPLETE mine is.  I wonder if some of these so called "righteous" women, would ever look at themselves and just wonder for a second what they would have done if this tradgedy would have happened to them.  How would they feel when they walk around thier house and see an empty bed or an empty seat at the kitchen table??  How they would have felt to look at a little white casket and know their son was in there??  Or how would they feel to have to priotize the months and seasons to flowers and ribbons, so that your son has they BEST looking arrangment on his burial plot.  The BIGGEST thing that bothers me lately is Mitchell, I look at him and it breaks my heart that he NO longer has a Brother here on earth.  He told me the other day when I talked to him about it, "Mom, I still have a Brother."  I looked at him with tears running down my cheeks and said, "Yes, you do."  He is stronger than me, He sees the BIGGER picture.  I have too many emotions that block all the reality.  I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO CHURCH!!!!  There I said it.  But I have to SEE the bigger picture.  I have to see that it is the best thing for ALL my children.  I have to know it is the smartest thing for my family.  I have to go and NOT let people bother me.  It's so hard and I just dont want to do it.  But I have to do it for four reasons:  Lindsey, Mitchell, Connor and Catey....

What if's???

I think everyone has their set of "What if's".  In my situation I have ALOT.  I am going to lay them out today and get them off my chest.  And maybe some of you will understand a little better why my heart is so broken and what my mind battles everyday.  First, I think is, What if I had NEVER had a third child??  We were so content, a boy and a girl, our life was wonderful.  When Mitchell turned 3 in November and my marriage was a little blah, and I started feeling a little incomplete.  I hadnt had this feeling in a LONG time.  By the end of December, after a couple of, we'll call them hard conversations (more life fights) Chris and I had our marriage back on track and were acting like we did when we first started dating.  I guess we were deeply in love and we all know what that leads to.  Anyways, at the beginning of the new year, 2008, I mentioned to Chris, another baby???  Why yes, he thought that would be a GREAT idea and I was so excited and pleased!!  Well, we had a hard time getting pregnant, it wasnt happening...I was 28 now right...was that the problem??  After talking to my wonderful DR., I started peeing on a stick every morning that told me if I was ovulating or not...Well, I finally got pregnant and we were so HAPPY.  At about 6 weeks in, it hit me and hit me HARD.  I know some of you will remember how SICK I was.  It was terrible and didnt go away till about 18 weeks.  There were times when I didnt get out of the bed.  I remember the house being covered with mess from end to end.  I also remember at about 18 weeks I finally cooked a meal and the smile it put on Chris's face.  I remember looking at him and saying it hasnt been that bad has it..and he just started laughing.  It was BAD..really BAD.  But What if I hadnt been that sick, my body was holding a PERFECT spirit, I just didnt know it yet.  I also feel if I hadnt decided to have him, I wouldnt have put myself, Chris, Lindsey and Mitchell through so much heartache and pain.  He was born, he was perfect and my prettiest baby.  He COMPLETED our family, it was AMAZING.  He came home and fit right in.  I had no problems transitioning with another baby.  I was so HAPPY to have him.  It was the first time that I actually felt like I had things under control.  Chris and I were so relaxed with Connor. I guess now, a little too relaxed.  We just felt so good about our little family.  I guess this leads to March 14th, 2009.  What if I hadnt decided to lay him down that morning.  Why didnt I just stay awake and hold him.  What if I hadnt layed him down?  What if I would have first seen him stop breathing?  What if I could have only saved him?  I am his Mother, right...thats what I am suppose to do, protect these children, even from death??  What if I could remember the last time I kissed him.  What if I could remember what he felt like in my arms??  I deal with these what if's everyday.....What if he hadn't died, would I have my sweet Cate??

A Rough Couple Of Weeks

I  have had a extremely rough couple of weeks.  I have cried alot and felt myself lose all the progress I had made.  I was told 2 weeks ago, what a terrible person I am (ie a liar, two faced and cant keep my mouth shut...things to break a person down), I am basically being accused by an extremely immature person for something I didnt do.  So she decided to post some terrible things about me.  What really hurt the most though, is the things she wrote about me pertaining to the death of my child.  That I was trying to attain sympathy, I am full of drama, and everyone is tired of it.  Oh, and that I am a mean and terrible person since he died.  And I need lots of help, professional help. Wow, could break a person down dont you think??  What is amazing to me is that this young lady has NEVER spoke a word to me before, doesnt know me, or how I feel.  But felt the need to attack me this way.  It hurt and hurt alot. But your not suppose to let things like this bother you, your not suppose to let things like this affect your testimony.  Well, I am sorry to say it did.  I do not know how someone could go to church every Sunday, present themselves in the Temple, then turn around and treat ME, of all people this way.    I have had alot of sleepless nights.  When people say these things to you, it hurts and makes you question yourself.  I probably for my sake shouldnt be sharing how bad her actions affected me, but this is my BLOG and I'm allowed.  Maybe writing about it will help.  I can only hope that no one will ever say and treat her the way I have been treated.  Yes, you say I am turning over a new leaf, I am trying. 

Another thing that has me sad today is that I thought about our Super Bowl 2 years ago with Our Connor Boy.  He was here, He was Alive and very much apart of our family.  I miss that little whiny Boy so.  I have posted a couple of pictures of that day.  I hope they make you smile!!

These two are Forever in separable!!

This was OUR little party!!

My 3 kids at the time..



Sweet Boy, Yes, he looks just like me!!



A New Week

I feel I have a lot to say this week...I have decided to try to do A-L-L my laundry on Saturdays, and have it all put away by Monday...so I wont be mentally and physically tied down to laundry all week.  I also am going to try a new chore chart..to try to get my kids to listen to me and maybe just like me a little!!  Lindsey tells me I am the ONLY MOM that yells...I doubt that highly but it still hurts a little.  Especially when I think of President Hinkley's counsel..."Render your children with love, not anger."  Yeh, I have got to let go of the yelling!!  We will see how things go!!

This is NOT for the light hearted.....

Well...The only way I can get it all out is to tell it like it is.  So if you expect nice, this isnt where I am right now.  I am in an extremely angry place.  My therapist says I need to right down my feelings and here I am.  I felt like this is where I needed to be able to express myself so I could be held accountable and I am not hiding anymore.  I am TIRED...I am so exhausted from acting like everything is okay.  Behind the closed doors at 235 Cedar Ridge Drive, EVERYTHING is not okay.  I am so annoyed with so many things.  Maybe by writing them down I can get them out and be able to let them go.  I sometimes want to die so I can hold my little boy again, but them what about Chris, Lindsey, Mitchell and Cate.  They are the only things that keep me here.  WOW..I cant really believe I wrote that but it needed to be said.  I feel so torn, I want Connor but I cant leave these guys....they would be so devastated.  Sometimes I feel angry at Connor for leaving us, why couldn't he have fought harder to stay.  We could have been a GREAT family, now we are such an incomplete family.

First and Foremost...Letting things go

I have to learn to let things go...first, they way people see me.  Everything bothers me, I hate having a unorganized house.  But I don't want to constantly be on my children.  I have to let my "why me's " go.  I have to be able to stop punishing others for things that happened to me.  DO you know there are some people that I wont speak to that had a baby that same time I did.  I hate them for it, it makes me so mad that their baby didnt die and mine did.  I have to let go...I feel I will NEVER have any happiness if I dont let go.