Again and Again..Life goes on

Again here we are in November.  One of my dreaded months.  I should be thankful for this month, but I'm not.  I actually hate it.  Because 3 years ago at this time I was patiently awaiting my 3rd child.  He didnt have a name at that time but we called him, "Ralphie".  Him and I had already been through some major battles,  Morning sickness that was so bad some days I wasnt able to get out of the bed.  I dont think I cooked one single thing for about 6 weeks.  And then at 31 weeks the terrible blood clot in my lung.  I was rushed to the hospital, the anxiety and sitting there with an oxygen tank and then being taken in for a CT scan.  From the moment I got to the hospital they had the monitor hooked up and all I could hear was the "Thump Thump" of his heart.  He was a fighter.  I remember the nurse telling me what an active boy I had because she could hear him in my stomach moving around so much!!   I want an active 3 year old.  I want to potty train, I want to put him in time out, I want him to sleep on the bottom of the bunk where he belongs, I want him in Church Nursery with his little sister and MOST OF ALL I want him back so we can celebrate his 3rd Birthday!!

Different times, different feelings.

November is coming, November is Connor's Birthday month and a hard, sad day for me. Because I want my 3 yr old to hold and kiss. I want to buy him presents, and see him eat lots of cake. Yes, these moments make me cry, but they don't make me terribly mad like last year. I can tell I'm changing. I'm changing a lot. My feelings towards this is changing too. I miss him terribly, but sometimes you have to accept the things that have happened to you. Am I starting to realize this really happened, just maybe I am...who knows?

September brings new changes...hopefully.

I found this on another blog and felt like it was meant for me.  I felt like this was going to be a new year for me, but I feel like I have made no improvement.  So with September in the works, and it always feels like a new beginning with school starting, im going to try really hard to get rid of some of my anger.  So please respect my wishes and know that I love every single one of you, even if I dont always act like it.

MY GRIEF WISH LIST (I found this today and it is SO fitting)

.....I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

......If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me: the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

......I wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances.

......I will have emotional highs and lows, up and down. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

.....I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse or a pet.

....Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.
I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

.....I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few YEARS are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics I will never be ‘cured’ or a ‘formerly bereaved’, but forever a ‘recovering’ from my bereavement.

....I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

.....Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of his death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

.....I wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party. This is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

....I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ‘my old self’, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me: maybe you will still like me.

As you all know I have changed, I am a different person.  I cant go back to being OLD Lisa.  She died the day Connor died.  I have to make a new way for my life now, its not the one of ever dreamed of, nor expected.  I have to make do till I take my last breathe without my Son.  And I will NEVER EVER forget that. 

Thanks so much for your patience!!

Miss you

I miss my little boy, I wake up every morning thinking about him. He was the prettiest and sweetest baby. I look at my children everyday and know we are not complete. It makes me very angry to know that he is gone. I don't do well with anger. Anger eats at all people, and can ruin you inside. It's eating me, and I am not the person I was nor will I ever be again. I am changed forever. I am very angry that I lost Connor, it sometimes is hard to even come out of my mouth...."My son, Connor, died from SIDS one cold and rainy March morning." I have to say those words for the rest of my life....Do you really blame me for being so angry???

Something to be Jealous of...

About a month ago, my Aunt ( which is basically my second mother) was told that het 5 year battle with Ovarion Cancer has come to an end. There is nothing more medically that can be done. As I drove home from the hospital one night, I realized how jealous I am of her. She will see my Connor before me. Oh how I want to see him. I love her dearly and she doesn't want to die, but I would trade places with her in a New York minute to see my boy again.

A Balloon to Heaven

Last Saturday I took my kids to the Ashland Berry Festival.  They all got balloons.  So after we left, we had to stop by the store to pick up a few groceries.  As I was trying to get Catey out of the car, Lindsey opened the other door and her Yellow baloon went out the door.  Up and Up and Up in the sky.  I looked at it and Lindsey says it's okay, I'm not going to cry.  I waited a moment and said " Lindsey, you just sent a balloon to Connor".  She says, your right Mom.  So we all 4 stood there in the parking lot and watched that balloon until we couldn't see it again. Lindsey talked about how much Connor was going to like it, Mitchell asked how he would know it was for him, and I just stood there against the car and cried.  I had alot of things going through my head...I cant believe this happened to us, I cant believe that my children think about their brother in Heaven and how much we MISSED him.  I ALSO wished I could have fit in that balloon!!

To say Goodbye....

Life isnt easy, Some of us go through some of the worst things we never ever thought we would.  I have been thinking about Connor alot lately.  And how much I miss him, I am not sure if some of you realize how much I think about him.  He is in my thoughts ALL the time.  Through my daily life I think about him.  I wish I would have had more time to be his mother.  I have NEVER lost anything that I couldnt replace...I lost him and I couldnt fix it.  I wanted to raise him, I wanted to see him walk and go to school.  I wanted to hear him tell me he loved me.  I NEVER got that, I feel he did though, because he definetly knew who Chris and I were and he would smile at us all the time.  I know I am babbling but I miss him so much.  I hope he knows I would have done anything to have had the chance to say Goodbye, I hope he knows how much I love him and how much I wish he would have stayed with us a little longer.

Mommy loves you Sweet Boy!!