A New Week

I feel I have a lot to say this week...I have decided to try to do A-L-L my laundry on Saturdays, and have it all put away by Monday...so I wont be mentally and physically tied down to laundry all week.  I also am going to try a new chore chart..to try to get my kids to listen to me and maybe just like me a little!!  Lindsey tells me I am the ONLY MOM that yells...I doubt that highly but it still hurts a little.  Especially when I think of President Hinkley's counsel..."Render your children with love, not anger."  Yeh, I have got to let go of the yelling!!  We will see how things go!!

This is NOT for the light hearted.....

Well...The only way I can get it all out is to tell it like it is.  So if you expect nice, this isnt where I am right now.  I am in an extremely angry place.  My therapist says I need to right down my feelings and here I am.  I felt like this is where I needed to be able to express myself so I could be held accountable and I am not hiding anymore.  I am TIRED...I am so exhausted from acting like everything is okay.  Behind the closed doors at 235 Cedar Ridge Drive, EVERYTHING is not okay.  I am so annoyed with so many things.  Maybe by writing them down I can get them out and be able to let them go.  I sometimes want to die so I can hold my little boy again, but them what about Chris, Lindsey, Mitchell and Cate.  They are the only things that keep me here.  WOW..I cant really believe I wrote that but it needed to be said.  I feel so torn, I want Connor but I cant leave these guys....they would be so devastated.  Sometimes I feel angry at Connor for leaving us, why couldn't he have fought harder to stay.  We could have been a GREAT family, now we are such an incomplete family.

First and Foremost...Letting things go

I have to learn to let things go...first, they way people see me.  Everything bothers me, I hate having a unorganized house.  But I don't want to constantly be on my children.  I have to let my "why me's " go.  I have to be able to stop punishing others for things that happened to me.  DO you know there are some people that I wont speak to that had a baby that same time I did.  I hate them for it, it makes me so mad that their baby didnt die and mine did.  I have to let go...I feel I will NEVER have any happiness if I dont let go.