SERIOUSLY???

So My Husband told me on Sunday night, WE HAVE to go back to church this Sunday.  At first I was furious...Really, I'm STILL so freaking mad...Do you want me to KILL some people??  Why should I be forced to go back to church with a bunch of people who hate me, who disrepect the things that have happened in my life...That are so HORRIBLY mean to me and expect me to brush off my son's death.  And then I am suppose to sit there and look at them with their PERFECT little families and then look at how IMPERFECT and INCOMPLETE mine is.  I wonder if some of these so called "righteous" women, would ever look at themselves and just wonder for a second what they would have done if this tradgedy would have happened to them.  How would they feel when they walk around thier house and see an empty bed or an empty seat at the kitchen table??  How they would have felt to look at a little white casket and know their son was in there??  Or how would they feel to have to priotize the months and seasons to flowers and ribbons, so that your son has they BEST looking arrangment on his burial plot.  The BIGGEST thing that bothers me lately is Mitchell, I look at him and it breaks my heart that he NO longer has a Brother here on earth.  He told me the other day when I talked to him about it, "Mom, I still have a Brother."  I looked at him with tears running down my cheeks and said, "Yes, you do."  He is stronger than me, He sees the BIGGER picture.  I have too many emotions that block all the reality.  I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO CHURCH!!!!  There I said it.  But I have to SEE the bigger picture.  I have to see that it is the best thing for ALL my children.  I have to know it is the smartest thing for my family.  I have to go and NOT let people bother me.  It's so hard and I just dont want to do it.  But I have to do it for four reasons:  Lindsey, Mitchell, Connor and Catey....

What if's???

I think everyone has their set of "What if's".  In my situation I have ALOT.  I am going to lay them out today and get them off my chest.  And maybe some of you will understand a little better why my heart is so broken and what my mind battles everyday.  First, I think is, What if I had NEVER had a third child??  We were so content, a boy and a girl, our life was wonderful.  When Mitchell turned 3 in November and my marriage was a little blah, and I started feeling a little incomplete.  I hadnt had this feeling in a LONG time.  By the end of December, after a couple of, we'll call them hard conversations (more life fights) Chris and I had our marriage back on track and were acting like we did when we first started dating.  I guess we were deeply in love and we all know what that leads to.  Anyways, at the beginning of the new year, 2008, I mentioned to Chris, another baby???  Why yes, he thought that would be a GREAT idea and I was so excited and pleased!!  Well, we had a hard time getting pregnant, it wasnt happening...I was 28 now right...was that the problem??  After talking to my wonderful DR., I started peeing on a stick every morning that told me if I was ovulating or not...Well, I finally got pregnant and we were so HAPPY.  At about 6 weeks in, it hit me and hit me HARD.  I know some of you will remember how SICK I was.  It was terrible and didnt go away till about 18 weeks.  There were times when I didnt get out of the bed.  I remember the house being covered with mess from end to end.  I also remember at about 18 weeks I finally cooked a meal and the smile it put on Chris's face.  I remember looking at him and saying it hasnt been that bad has it..and he just started laughing.  It was BAD..really BAD.  But What if I hadnt been that sick, my body was holding a PERFECT spirit, I just didnt know it yet.  I also feel if I hadnt decided to have him, I wouldnt have put myself, Chris, Lindsey and Mitchell through so much heartache and pain.  He was born, he was perfect and my prettiest baby.  He COMPLETED our family, it was AMAZING.  He came home and fit right in.  I had no problems transitioning with another baby.  I was so HAPPY to have him.  It was the first time that I actually felt like I had things under control.  Chris and I were so relaxed with Connor. I guess now, a little too relaxed.  We just felt so good about our little family.  I guess this leads to March 14th, 2009.  What if I hadnt decided to lay him down that morning.  Why didnt I just stay awake and hold him.  What if I hadnt layed him down?  What if I would have first seen him stop breathing?  What if I could have only saved him?  I am his Mother, right...thats what I am suppose to do, protect these children, even from death??  What if I could remember the last time I kissed him.  What if I could remember what he felt like in my arms??  I deal with these what if's everyday.....What if he hadn't died, would I have my sweet Cate??

A Rough Couple Of Weeks

I  have had a extremely rough couple of weeks.  I have cried alot and felt myself lose all the progress I had made.  I was told 2 weeks ago, what a terrible person I am (ie a liar, two faced and cant keep my mouth shut...things to break a person down), I am basically being accused by an extremely immature person for something I didnt do.  So she decided to post some terrible things about me.  What really hurt the most though, is the things she wrote about me pertaining to the death of my child.  That I was trying to attain sympathy, I am full of drama, and everyone is tired of it.  Oh, and that I am a mean and terrible person since he died.  And I need lots of help, professional help. Wow, could break a person down dont you think??  What is amazing to me is that this young lady has NEVER spoke a word to me before, doesnt know me, or how I feel.  But felt the need to attack me this way.  It hurt and hurt alot. But your not suppose to let things like this bother you, your not suppose to let things like this affect your testimony.  Well, I am sorry to say it did.  I do not know how someone could go to church every Sunday, present themselves in the Temple, then turn around and treat ME, of all people this way.    I have had alot of sleepless nights.  When people say these things to you, it hurts and makes you question yourself.  I probably for my sake shouldnt be sharing how bad her actions affected me, but this is my BLOG and I'm allowed.  Maybe writing about it will help.  I can only hope that no one will ever say and treat her the way I have been treated.  Yes, you say I am turning over a new leaf, I am trying. 

Another thing that has me sad today is that I thought about our Super Bowl 2 years ago with Our Connor Boy.  He was here, He was Alive and very much apart of our family.  I miss that little whiny Boy so.  I have posted a couple of pictures of that day.  I hope they make you smile!!

These two are Forever in separable!!

This was OUR little party!!

My 3 kids at the time..



Sweet Boy, Yes, he looks just like me!!