What did I expect from life?

The other day Chris and I were sitting on the couch, he on his side and I on my side holding Cate while she slept.  And I caught a glimpse of some pictures that Lindsey had taken to school last week.  She was the Spotlight Child and had to take pictures of herself.  On the top was a picture of Chris, me, Lindsey and the dog taken in 2002.  Lindsey was maybe 1.  I just looked at that picture, then at myhusband and started balling.  I was so sad because in 2002, we had some much to look forward to.  We had an amazing child, Chris had a good job and we moving into this house.  We were starting out and we were excited.  Why didnt we know what we were going to face 7 years later.  Why did this happen to us??  Why? Why? Why?  I looked over at my husband and thought, Why did he marry me?  If he would have married someone else, then he would have never had this heartache.  No one knows how bad it hurts to lose your child.  I dont care how old they are. 

 I just wish this wasnt my life, I wish we didnt have to battle this pain everyday.  I NEVER would have ever thought this would have happened to me?  Now, I will face as long as I live, and that scares me.  How much longer can one deal with pain like this?  How do you continue to go on and live life without your child?

Chris will tell you a story about me.....The day after we buried Connor, I had to be put to sleep and have a DNC.  The 9 week old baby living inside me no longer had a heart beat.  Because it was outpatient, and I freaked out when they tried to separate me from Chris before they put me to sleep, they allowed him to come back and be there when they woke me up.  He says that he was watching me, When I woke up and opened my eyes, I looked at him and probably because of all the meds, I started smiling.  I smiled for maybe 10-15 seconds, until I remembered what had happened to me......

I don't ever forget what has happened.  I will carry that child with me forever.  He was and still is my child.

It must be March...

I know I have said this before but I hate March.  March just Sucks.  Can you believe I said those two bad words.  When I was growing up, I was NEVER allowed to say them, and I never did. Until My Son died.  Then I said them ALOT, just hopefully not in front of my children.  But there is no other word for it, but it just sucks!!  And I HATE it!!  Okay, now that I made myself laugh (and I hope you did too), let me get to my point.  March is just so dreary, the morning Connor died was too.  It was misty and cold.  It was semi dark out.  It was just not cheerful at all.  Thats how March is...just sad and scary and ugly to me.  I can not wait till next week, and APRIL the 1st, bring  on the sunshine...I need it!!

Talking about Sunshine, some rays came my way today.  I got the sweetest phone call from a friend, although we arent super close, and I dont know her very well, she's still my friend.  She called to tell me, she found my blog, and it made her cry and laugh.  And just that she thought it was so great for me to be sharing my feelings the way I am.  Man, I love her more now!!  Thanks so much, you have no idea how much that meant to me, especially during these dreary March days.

Also, I have to thank all my Close Friends, that have kept an eye on me this month.  You all know who you are and I will NEVER forget all that you do for me and my family!!  Your the BEST!!

SIDS

Okay, so I have said in the beginning that this blog is the good, the bad and the ugly.  Well, here lately I think it's been ALOT of bad and ugly.  There has been something that has bothered me for about a week.  And I have a friend that has a child that has gone through Autism, so I hope she will be able to understand where I am coming from.  I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE THAT THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT SIDS AND SHOULD TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD HAVE OR SHOULDN"T BEEN DOING.  Okay, there I said it.  There is a Mother that lost a child to SIDS aboout a month ago, and I found her through the Blogger world.  Anyways people post all these things on her blog about SIDS that I think is so ridiculous.  For one, I do not believe serotonain levels have anything to do with it.  I was told by the Chief ME for the State of VA, that Connor's levels were all normal.  Another thing, our fan was running in our room.  I am just so tired of other people that have no idea what they are talking about telling other mothers that just went through your WORST nightmare what can be done different.

I have done my RESEACH, do you know how many nights I stayed up all night reading EVERY article on the Internet.  I was so obsessed.....

And this mess about a Angel Care monitor, yes I have one for Caty.  But I have NEVER used it, can you believe that.  Do you know why??  Because SIDS is UNPREVENTABLE...yep you heard that right, unpreventable.  No matter what you do, you can't prevent it.  There is no prevention. 

There are things that medical research says will help, run fans, sleep in their own crib, annual household income over 40,000 a year, your baby's race, your baby's sex, your baby's weight.....Do you want me to go on....

Chris and I were told by Connor's ME, that we fit no criteria......

Now, that I got that off my chest, please dont think I am a expert, because I'm not.  I just think when it comes to death of someone's child, please dont talk statistics with them.  Those things can only hurt their hearts.

2 Whole Years has gone by...

Two years ago yesterday, I opened my eyes an had a feeling come over my whole body that something was wrong.  I jumped up like anyone would do and ran to Connor's room.  I pushed the door open and all I felt was coldness and I heard nothing.  But what I did see was our dog Savannh laying in the middle of the room looking at me.  I ran to Connor's crib and immediatly knew something was very wrong.  In those moments, my life changed FOREVER.  How could this happen to us, and I still have a hard time believing it.  I sometimes wonder how do I go on with all this pain I feel?  How do I live and breathe with all this pain.  I do and I have continued to go on, but please dont ask me how.  I can not give you that answer.  All I can tell you is that My Heavenly Father loves me very much.  He loves my children very much.  And that my Connor is in the only person's arms that could possibly love him more than Chris and I.  And he will be there until my aching arms can hold him again.

The Conclusion...

Okay, so I ran into Mrs. Evil ( the Loser at church that sent me the nasty email back in January) at Walmart 2 wees ago after Lindsey's dance practice.  Anyways she pranced on by me expecting me to say NOTHING...Wrong, she messed with the wrong girl.  I walked right up to her, with all 3 kids in tow, and demanded an apologize.  I told her how the things she said hurt me and upset me really bad.  And that I couldnt understand why she would say those things....Do you know what she proceded to do...She laughed at me, thats when I got mad, really mad!!  I then started asking her why she said the things concerning me and the death of my son, she laughed again and would not comment, good thing for her because had she brought up Connor I probably would have taken all my anger out.  She told me I was Crazy and all about My drama...Okay, great.  I told her she was fake and not the "Molly Mormon" she proclaimed herself to be at church.  She then proceded to drop the F Bomb, which my children are not familiar with. I asked her to stop and started to walk away, and she yelled it like 10 times...Nice right??  I then told her she was showing who she really was, and how terrible of a person she was. I then basically ran out of the store with Mitchell crying, because I didnt get the snacks he needed for his team.  I was crying too at this point.  I sat in the car awhile and then explained to my children what just happened.  How their Mother chose to stand up for herself and for her family.  And that I was sorry I was upset but I wasnt upset with them.  Lindsey just said that she couldnt understand why Sister "Evil" was being so mean to her Mom.  Of course I wanted to say, " Because she's crazy and she better be glad my children were there or I would have slapped her in the face."  Just kidding I would NEVER act in that manner...LOL!!  Anyways I came home to the BEST husband in the World, and I truly mean this..He is the Rock and the reason our marriage has made it through Connor's death.  He made me a promise about 2 days after Connor died in the dark car with our other 2 children sleeping in the back, He told me we would make it, no matter what, we would make it through this.    I love him so much for that.  So, I came home and told him what happened, we talked about all of it.  He agreed that I should have said the things I said and then said, "Well, at church on Sunday, we are going into Sacrament and sit on the row with her and her husband, and then I will have a Nice long talk with him."  I am so glad to be married to the Giant that everyone has ALWAYS been afraid of!! 

Friday Morning I woke up and felt like a huge rock had been lifted off my heart...It felt so good, to get rid of all the pain I had been carrying around since she sent that email.  This may not have been the best way to end this situation, but it felt good to me.....

I Hate March.

Okay, March is the WORST month and probably will be for the rest of my life.  I think about 2 years ago on March the 1st.  We were blessing our sweet baby boy at church.  Wow, was he a BIG boy that day.  I think Grandma Stafford took the 9 mth outfit back and bought the 12mth just so it would button around his neck.  Man, I miss that sweet neck and his smell.  I miss EVERYTHING about him.  They way he loved me, no one will ever love you the way  your children do.  I just miss  his love everyday.  Amy and I went and put flowers on his grave last week, would you have ever thought black daisies and white tulips would be so pretty.  Well, they are.  Everything about him was perfect.  I feel very alone in this world without him.  You ever get that feeling when you leave home like you have forgotten something...I have that feeling ALL THE TIME.  I am never fully complete.  March is just a reminder of what has happened to us. 

On a brighter note, I think sometimes that he isnt here, well the last couple of days have proven me wrong.  It has been very quiet in my house the last couple of days...I have been on the sofa or in the bed.  I hear all sorts of things, the gate coming open at the top of the stairs, little feet running down the hallway, and a quiet voice.  He's here, he hasn't left his mother, I just haven't been listening.