To say Goodbye....

Life isnt easy, Some of us go through some of the worst things we never ever thought we would.  I have been thinking about Connor alot lately.  And how much I miss him, I am not sure if some of you realize how much I think about him.  He is in my thoughts ALL the time.  Through my daily life I think about him.  I wish I would have had more time to be his mother.  I have NEVER lost anything that I couldnt replace...I lost him and I couldnt fix it.  I wanted to raise him, I wanted to see him walk and go to school.  I wanted to hear him tell me he loved me.  I NEVER got that, I feel he did though, because he definetly knew who Chris and I were and he would smile at us all the time.  I know I am babbling but I miss him so much.  I hope he knows I would have done anything to have had the chance to say Goodbye, I hope he knows how much I love him and how much I wish he would have stayed with us a little longer.

Mommy loves you Sweet Boy!!

Something I realized yesterday...

So on Monday I wasn't feeling the best about things, a little sad to be honest.  And nothing really went my way.  So last night after Soccer, the kids and I came home.  I had cried the whole way home to myself.  We came upstairs and Mitchell started talking about something that he likes that I do for him.  Then Lindsey was talking about how she wanted ME to go with her on her field trip, and Cate was following me around whining because she wanted ME to pick her up.  I went into my bedroom, sat on my ottoman picked up Cate and listened to what Lindsey was saying, when it hit me.  These 3 children absolutley adore me, they think I am the best thing ever.  And they all want me around and want to be my friend.  They need me and rely on me..and best of all they LOVE me no matter what (even if I get mad and yell at them).  What more could I ask for?  I need them and they need me.  They are truly my blessings!!

PS.  I know Connor loved me too...He ALWAYS wanted me and ONLY me to hold him.  I miss him, I think about the life we could have shared together. 

A Little Pick me Upper

So we all remember back in January, when I got told how crazy I was and I needed mental help by someone who doesnt even know me??

Okay, well the last 2 weeks I got told how much I am loved by the people that do know me??  DO you know how special I feel right now?? 

First, I am not going to name names, because with my reputation I can totally understand if you dont want anyone to know how much you TOTALLY love me.....:)

My Mother is NEVER ashamed of me, so I can name her.  Anyways, she's been there since the moment I found that little boy asleep forever in his crib.  Can you imagine her pain??  She's put up with my drama for 31 years and still loves me...WOW, she must be pretty amazing!!  Thanks for ALWAYS putting up with me Mom, I love you!!

Then, this week Chris and I were talking about how we will always be someone's problem.  It made me really sad because because I dont want to be ANYONE's problem.  But this is who I am now, I was given that sweet boy a short 16 weeks, and I am so sorry I lost him.  But I can't turn my back on it and not talk about it, I cant just act like it never happened.  It will shape me to who I am now.

So, I recieved a card in the mail the other day from a friend, and there was a note in there on all 2 sides of the card.  It made me feel so special, just to know she was thinking of me, and that I not alone.

Then, On Monday I got a visit from another friend, for some reason we didnt come to the door.  SO she left cookies and sent me a email.  It was a great email, and then at the end, she told me that her and her husband at re-newed our Ensign (church Magazine) subsciption.  Which was so enounmously giving.  This sweet friend has been put through some trials herself, with her Husband losing his job and her having to leave her sweet children and working.  I dont think I would have ever been able to do that for another family, just they knew we were having a hard month.  It really taught me something about sacrifice for others and how to be so loving.  I will NEVER forget it.

Then there are those of you, that always call, always leave comments and call me when you are doing your housework just to talk.  I want you to know I leave half the comments I do because I know you will respond and I NEED YOUR WORDS!!

Then there is one SPECIAL someone that has become my friend through this great trial.  She ALWAYS has my back no matter how stupid I act.  She always go shopping with me, to our favorite Thursday hangout, Goodwill.  She always know when I need to go too, when I need to get out of the house.  She's always there and I am so glad for her to be an ADULT friend.  I know I will have her for a lifetime.

I could not possible list all of you but you know who you are.  You are the ones that call ALL the time even though I dont answer.  You are the ones that take me to the DR, even though my husbnd is at home, just because you want to, you are the ones that go with me to the cementary because you want to see where my sweet boy is buried.  I love you all and I wouldnt be ALIVE without you. 

What did I expect from life?

The other day Chris and I were sitting on the couch, he on his side and I on my side holding Cate while she slept.  And I caught a glimpse of some pictures that Lindsey had taken to school last week.  She was the Spotlight Child and had to take pictures of herself.  On the top was a picture of Chris, me, Lindsey and the dog taken in 2002.  Lindsey was maybe 1.  I just looked at that picture, then at myhusband and started balling.  I was so sad because in 2002, we had some much to look forward to.  We had an amazing child, Chris had a good job and we moving into this house.  We were starting out and we were excited.  Why didnt we know what we were going to face 7 years later.  Why did this happen to us??  Why? Why? Why?  I looked over at my husband and thought, Why did he marry me?  If he would have married someone else, then he would have never had this heartache.  No one knows how bad it hurts to lose your child.  I dont care how old they are. 

 I just wish this wasnt my life, I wish we didnt have to battle this pain everyday.  I NEVER would have ever thought this would have happened to me?  Now, I will face as long as I live, and that scares me.  How much longer can one deal with pain like this?  How do you continue to go on and live life without your child?

Chris will tell you a story about me.....The day after we buried Connor, I had to be put to sleep and have a DNC.  The 9 week old baby living inside me no longer had a heart beat.  Because it was outpatient, and I freaked out when they tried to separate me from Chris before they put me to sleep, they allowed him to come back and be there when they woke me up.  He says that he was watching me, When I woke up and opened my eyes, I looked at him and probably because of all the meds, I started smiling.  I smiled for maybe 10-15 seconds, until I remembered what had happened to me......

I don't ever forget what has happened.  I will carry that child with me forever.  He was and still is my child.

It must be March...

I know I have said this before but I hate March.  March just Sucks.  Can you believe I said those two bad words.  When I was growing up, I was NEVER allowed to say them, and I never did. Until My Son died.  Then I said them ALOT, just hopefully not in front of my children.  But there is no other word for it, but it just sucks!!  And I HATE it!!  Okay, now that I made myself laugh (and I hope you did too), let me get to my point.  March is just so dreary, the morning Connor died was too.  It was misty and cold.  It was semi dark out.  It was just not cheerful at all.  Thats how March is...just sad and scary and ugly to me.  I can not wait till next week, and APRIL the 1st, bring  on the sunshine...I need it!!

Talking about Sunshine, some rays came my way today.  I got the sweetest phone call from a friend, although we arent super close, and I dont know her very well, she's still my friend.  She called to tell me, she found my blog, and it made her cry and laugh.  And just that she thought it was so great for me to be sharing my feelings the way I am.  Man, I love her more now!!  Thanks so much, you have no idea how much that meant to me, especially during these dreary March days.

Also, I have to thank all my Close Friends, that have kept an eye on me this month.  You all know who you are and I will NEVER forget all that you do for me and my family!!  Your the BEST!!

SIDS

Okay, so I have said in the beginning that this blog is the good, the bad and the ugly.  Well, here lately I think it's been ALOT of bad and ugly.  There has been something that has bothered me for about a week.  And I have a friend that has a child that has gone through Autism, so I hope she will be able to understand where I am coming from.  I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE THAT THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT SIDS AND SHOULD TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD HAVE OR SHOULDN"T BEEN DOING.  Okay, there I said it.  There is a Mother that lost a child to SIDS aboout a month ago, and I found her through the Blogger world.  Anyways people post all these things on her blog about SIDS that I think is so ridiculous.  For one, I do not believe serotonain levels have anything to do with it.  I was told by the Chief ME for the State of VA, that Connor's levels were all normal.  Another thing, our fan was running in our room.  I am just so tired of other people that have no idea what they are talking about telling other mothers that just went through your WORST nightmare what can be done different.

I have done my RESEACH, do you know how many nights I stayed up all night reading EVERY article on the Internet.  I was so obsessed.....

And this mess about a Angel Care monitor, yes I have one for Caty.  But I have NEVER used it, can you believe that.  Do you know why??  Because SIDS is UNPREVENTABLE...yep you heard that right, unpreventable.  No matter what you do, you can't prevent it.  There is no prevention. 

There are things that medical research says will help, run fans, sleep in their own crib, annual household income over 40,000 a year, your baby's race, your baby's sex, your baby's weight.....Do you want me to go on....

Chris and I were told by Connor's ME, that we fit no criteria......

Now, that I got that off my chest, please dont think I am a expert, because I'm not.  I just think when it comes to death of someone's child, please dont talk statistics with them.  Those things can only hurt their hearts.

2 Whole Years has gone by...

Two years ago yesterday, I opened my eyes an had a feeling come over my whole body that something was wrong.  I jumped up like anyone would do and ran to Connor's room.  I pushed the door open and all I felt was coldness and I heard nothing.  But what I did see was our dog Savannh laying in the middle of the room looking at me.  I ran to Connor's crib and immediatly knew something was very wrong.  In those moments, my life changed FOREVER.  How could this happen to us, and I still have a hard time believing it.  I sometimes wonder how do I go on with all this pain I feel?  How do I live and breathe with all this pain.  I do and I have continued to go on, but please dont ask me how.  I can not give you that answer.  All I can tell you is that My Heavenly Father loves me very much.  He loves my children very much.  And that my Connor is in the only person's arms that could possibly love him more than Chris and I.  And he will be there until my aching arms can hold him again.