SERIOUSLY???

So My Husband told me on Sunday night, WE HAVE to go back to church this Sunday.  At first I was furious...Really, I'm STILL so freaking mad...Do you want me to KILL some people??  Why should I be forced to go back to church with a bunch of people who hate me, who disrepect the things that have happened in my life...That are so HORRIBLY mean to me and expect me to brush off my son's death.  And then I am suppose to sit there and look at them with their PERFECT little families and then look at how IMPERFECT and INCOMPLETE mine is.  I wonder if some of these so called "righteous" women, would ever look at themselves and just wonder for a second what they would have done if this tradgedy would have happened to them.  How would they feel when they walk around thier house and see an empty bed or an empty seat at the kitchen table??  How they would have felt to look at a little white casket and know their son was in there??  Or how would they feel to have to priotize the months and seasons to flowers and ribbons, so that your son has they BEST looking arrangment on his burial plot.  The BIGGEST thing that bothers me lately is Mitchell, I look at him and it breaks my heart that he NO longer has a Brother here on earth.  He told me the other day when I talked to him about it, "Mom, I still have a Brother."  I looked at him with tears running down my cheeks and said, "Yes, you do."  He is stronger than me, He sees the BIGGER picture.  I have too many emotions that block all the reality.  I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO CHURCH!!!!  There I said it.  But I have to SEE the bigger picture.  I have to see that it is the best thing for ALL my children.  I have to know it is the smartest thing for my family.  I have to go and NOT let people bother me.  It's so hard and I just dont want to do it.  But I have to do it for four reasons:  Lindsey, Mitchell, Connor and Catey....

What if's???

I think everyone has their set of "What if's".  In my situation I have ALOT.  I am going to lay them out today and get them off my chest.  And maybe some of you will understand a little better why my heart is so broken and what my mind battles everyday.  First, I think is, What if I had NEVER had a third child??  We were so content, a boy and a girl, our life was wonderful.  When Mitchell turned 3 in November and my marriage was a little blah, and I started feeling a little incomplete.  I hadnt had this feeling in a LONG time.  By the end of December, after a couple of, we'll call them hard conversations (more life fights) Chris and I had our marriage back on track and were acting like we did when we first started dating.  I guess we were deeply in love and we all know what that leads to.  Anyways, at the beginning of the new year, 2008, I mentioned to Chris, another baby???  Why yes, he thought that would be a GREAT idea and I was so excited and pleased!!  Well, we had a hard time getting pregnant, it wasnt happening...I was 28 now right...was that the problem??  After talking to my wonderful DR., I started peeing on a stick every morning that told me if I was ovulating or not...Well, I finally got pregnant and we were so HAPPY.  At about 6 weeks in, it hit me and hit me HARD.  I know some of you will remember how SICK I was.  It was terrible and didnt go away till about 18 weeks.  There were times when I didnt get out of the bed.  I remember the house being covered with mess from end to end.  I also remember at about 18 weeks I finally cooked a meal and the smile it put on Chris's face.  I remember looking at him and saying it hasnt been that bad has it..and he just started laughing.  It was BAD..really BAD.  But What if I hadnt been that sick, my body was holding a PERFECT spirit, I just didnt know it yet.  I also feel if I hadnt decided to have him, I wouldnt have put myself, Chris, Lindsey and Mitchell through so much heartache and pain.  He was born, he was perfect and my prettiest baby.  He COMPLETED our family, it was AMAZING.  He came home and fit right in.  I had no problems transitioning with another baby.  I was so HAPPY to have him.  It was the first time that I actually felt like I had things under control.  Chris and I were so relaxed with Connor. I guess now, a little too relaxed.  We just felt so good about our little family.  I guess this leads to March 14th, 2009.  What if I hadnt decided to lay him down that morning.  Why didnt I just stay awake and hold him.  What if I hadnt layed him down?  What if I would have first seen him stop breathing?  What if I could have only saved him?  I am his Mother, right...thats what I am suppose to do, protect these children, even from death??  What if I could remember the last time I kissed him.  What if I could remember what he felt like in my arms??  I deal with these what if's everyday.....What if he hadn't died, would I have my sweet Cate??

A Rough Couple Of Weeks

I  have had a extremely rough couple of weeks.  I have cried alot and felt myself lose all the progress I had made.  I was told 2 weeks ago, what a terrible person I am (ie a liar, two faced and cant keep my mouth shut...things to break a person down), I am basically being accused by an extremely immature person for something I didnt do.  So she decided to post some terrible things about me.  What really hurt the most though, is the things she wrote about me pertaining to the death of my child.  That I was trying to attain sympathy, I am full of drama, and everyone is tired of it.  Oh, and that I am a mean and terrible person since he died.  And I need lots of help, professional help. Wow, could break a person down dont you think??  What is amazing to me is that this young lady has NEVER spoke a word to me before, doesnt know me, or how I feel.  But felt the need to attack me this way.  It hurt and hurt alot. But your not suppose to let things like this bother you, your not suppose to let things like this affect your testimony.  Well, I am sorry to say it did.  I do not know how someone could go to church every Sunday, present themselves in the Temple, then turn around and treat ME, of all people this way.    I have had alot of sleepless nights.  When people say these things to you, it hurts and makes you question yourself.  I probably for my sake shouldnt be sharing how bad her actions affected me, but this is my BLOG and I'm allowed.  Maybe writing about it will help.  I can only hope that no one will ever say and treat her the way I have been treated.  Yes, you say I am turning over a new leaf, I am trying. 

Another thing that has me sad today is that I thought about our Super Bowl 2 years ago with Our Connor Boy.  He was here, He was Alive and very much apart of our family.  I miss that little whiny Boy so.  I have posted a couple of pictures of that day.  I hope they make you smile!!

These two are Forever in separable!!

This was OUR little party!!

My 3 kids at the time..



Sweet Boy, Yes, he looks just like me!!



A New Week

I feel I have a lot to say this week...I have decided to try to do A-L-L my laundry on Saturdays, and have it all put away by Monday...so I wont be mentally and physically tied down to laundry all week.  I also am going to try a new chore chart..to try to get my kids to listen to me and maybe just like me a little!!  Lindsey tells me I am the ONLY MOM that yells...I doubt that highly but it still hurts a little.  Especially when I think of President Hinkley's counsel..."Render your children with love, not anger."  Yeh, I have got to let go of the yelling!!  We will see how things go!!

This is NOT for the light hearted.....

Well...The only way I can get it all out is to tell it like it is.  So if you expect nice, this isnt where I am right now.  I am in an extremely angry place.  My therapist says I need to right down my feelings and here I am.  I felt like this is where I needed to be able to express myself so I could be held accountable and I am not hiding anymore.  I am TIRED...I am so exhausted from acting like everything is okay.  Behind the closed doors at 235 Cedar Ridge Drive, EVERYTHING is not okay.  I am so annoyed with so many things.  Maybe by writing them down I can get them out and be able to let them go.  I sometimes want to die so I can hold my little boy again, but them what about Chris, Lindsey, Mitchell and Cate.  They are the only things that keep me here.  WOW..I cant really believe I wrote that but it needed to be said.  I feel so torn, I want Connor but I cant leave these guys....they would be so devastated.  Sometimes I feel angry at Connor for leaving us, why couldn't he have fought harder to stay.  We could have been a GREAT family, now we are such an incomplete family.

First and Foremost...Letting things go

I have to learn to let things go...first, they way people see me.  Everything bothers me, I hate having a unorganized house.  But I don't want to constantly be on my children.  I have to let my "why me's " go.  I have to be able to stop punishing others for things that happened to me.  DO you know there are some people that I wont speak to that had a baby that same time I did.  I hate them for it, it makes me so mad that their baby didnt die and mine did.  I have to let go...I feel I will NEVER have any happiness if I dont let go.

The Reason for my Improvement

My Life changed on March 14th 2009.  It was the end of what I knew as "Normal".  I came to find out very quickly I would NEVER be normal again.  Losing my son, Connor would change me forever.  In the beginning I think my body was so numb, I could not feel the GREAT pain.  I feel that pain now.  I am so hurt sometimes I am not sure how I will make it through life.  Sometimes I am not sure how I can even breathe again.  I miss that child with my whole heart.  He was MY CHILD, I wanted him and I needed him. 

The past few months have been extremely hard, if you know me well enough you can see it.  I hate everyone and everthing.  I am so mad and angry sometimes I could fight the world.  Quite frankly I am not sure how I havent gotten myself beaten up.   There have been some okay days, but the ANGER is so severe, then the sadness comes.  I NEED help!!

I need to improve my well being for myself and my family.  My poor children have suffered more than I would have ever wanted them to suffer.  My poor husband definetly is showing his commitment to an eternal marriage, and his eternal love for his family.  He's not perfect but he puts up with me.  My mother has dealt with my rude mouth probably enough, I know she hurts because she knows how bad I hurt. 

So in 2011, I want to better my life.  I want to find some happiness again.  I am not sure what to do so I made a list of all the things that I thought I could do to try to make things better.  Please floow me through this journey, hopefully you can teach me something or learn something along the way.  I love you all!!