A New Week

I feel I have a lot to say this week...I have decided to try to do A-L-L my laundry on Saturdays, and have it all put away by Monday...so I wont be mentally and physically tied down to laundry all week.  I also am going to try a new chore chart..to try to get my kids to listen to me and maybe just like me a little!!  Lindsey tells me I am the ONLY MOM that yells...I doubt that highly but it still hurts a little.  Especially when I think of President Hinkley's counsel..."Render your children with love, not anger."  Yeh, I have got to let go of the yelling!!  We will see how things go!!

This is NOT for the light hearted.....

Well...The only way I can get it all out is to tell it like it is.  So if you expect nice, this isnt where I am right now.  I am in an extremely angry place.  My therapist says I need to right down my feelings and here I am.  I felt like this is where I needed to be able to express myself so I could be held accountable and I am not hiding anymore.  I am TIRED...I am so exhausted from acting like everything is okay.  Behind the closed doors at 235 Cedar Ridge Drive, EVERYTHING is not okay.  I am so annoyed with so many things.  Maybe by writing them down I can get them out and be able to let them go.  I sometimes want to die so I can hold my little boy again, but them what about Chris, Lindsey, Mitchell and Cate.  They are the only things that keep me here.  WOW..I cant really believe I wrote that but it needed to be said.  I feel so torn, I want Connor but I cant leave these guys....they would be so devastated.  Sometimes I feel angry at Connor for leaving us, why couldn't he have fought harder to stay.  We could have been a GREAT family, now we are such an incomplete family.

First and Foremost...Letting things go

I have to learn to let things go...first, they way people see me.  Everything bothers me, I hate having a unorganized house.  But I don't want to constantly be on my children.  I have to let my "why me's " go.  I have to be able to stop punishing others for things that happened to me.  DO you know there are some people that I wont speak to that had a baby that same time I did.  I hate them for it, it makes me so mad that their baby didnt die and mine did.  I have to let go...I feel I will NEVER have any happiness if I dont let go.

The Reason for my Improvement

My Life changed on March 14th 2009.  It was the end of what I knew as "Normal".  I came to find out very quickly I would NEVER be normal again.  Losing my son, Connor would change me forever.  In the beginning I think my body was so numb, I could not feel the GREAT pain.  I feel that pain now.  I am so hurt sometimes I am not sure how I will make it through life.  Sometimes I am not sure how I can even breathe again.  I miss that child with my whole heart.  He was MY CHILD, I wanted him and I needed him. 

The past few months have been extremely hard, if you know me well enough you can see it.  I hate everyone and everthing.  I am so mad and angry sometimes I could fight the world.  Quite frankly I am not sure how I havent gotten myself beaten up.   There have been some okay days, but the ANGER is so severe, then the sadness comes.  I NEED help!!

I need to improve my well being for myself and my family.  My poor children have suffered more than I would have ever wanted them to suffer.  My poor husband definetly is showing his commitment to an eternal marriage, and his eternal love for his family.  He's not perfect but he puts up with me.  My mother has dealt with my rude mouth probably enough, I know she hurts because she knows how bad I hurt. 

So in 2011, I want to better my life.  I want to find some happiness again.  I am not sure what to do so I made a list of all the things that I thought I could do to try to make things better.  Please floow me through this journey, hopefully you can teach me something or learn something along the way.  I love you all!!