September brings new changes...hopefully.

I found this on another blog and felt like it was meant for me.  I felt like this was going to be a new year for me, but I feel like I have made no improvement.  So with September in the works, and it always feels like a new beginning with school starting, im going to try really hard to get rid of some of my anger.  So please respect my wishes and know that I love every single one of you, even if I dont always act like it.

MY GRIEF WISH LIST (I found this today and it is SO fitting)

.....I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

......If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me: the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

......I wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances.

......I will have emotional highs and lows, up and down. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

.....I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse or a pet.

....Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.
I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

.....I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few YEARS are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics I will never be ‘cured’ or a ‘formerly bereaved’, but forever a ‘recovering’ from my bereavement.

....I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

.....Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of his death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

.....I wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party. This is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

....I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ‘my old self’, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me: maybe you will still like me.

As you all know I have changed, I am a different person.  I cant go back to being OLD Lisa.  She died the day Connor died.  I have to make a new way for my life now, its not the one of ever dreamed of, nor expected.  I have to make do till I take my last breathe without my Son.  And I will NEVER EVER forget that. 

Thanks so much for your patience!!

Miss you

I miss my little boy, I wake up every morning thinking about him. He was the prettiest and sweetest baby. I look at my children everyday and know we are not complete. It makes me very angry to know that he is gone. I don't do well with anger. Anger eats at all people, and can ruin you inside. It's eating me, and I am not the person I was nor will I ever be again. I am changed forever. I am very angry that I lost Connor, it sometimes is hard to even come out of my mouth...."My son, Connor, died from SIDS one cold and rainy March morning." I have to say those words for the rest of my life....Do you really blame me for being so angry???

Something to be Jealous of...

About a month ago, my Aunt ( which is basically my second mother) was told that het 5 year battle with Ovarion Cancer has come to an end. There is nothing more medically that can be done. As I drove home from the hospital one night, I realized how jealous I am of her. She will see my Connor before me. Oh how I want to see him. I love her dearly and she doesn't want to die, but I would trade places with her in a New York minute to see my boy again.

A Balloon to Heaven

Last Saturday I took my kids to the Ashland Berry Festival.  They all got balloons.  So after we left, we had to stop by the store to pick up a few groceries.  As I was trying to get Catey out of the car, Lindsey opened the other door and her Yellow baloon went out the door.  Up and Up and Up in the sky.  I looked at it and Lindsey says it's okay, I'm not going to cry.  I waited a moment and said " Lindsey, you just sent a balloon to Connor".  She says, your right Mom.  So we all 4 stood there in the parking lot and watched that balloon until we couldn't see it again. Lindsey talked about how much Connor was going to like it, Mitchell asked how he would know it was for him, and I just stood there against the car and cried.  I had alot of things going through my head...I cant believe this happened to us, I cant believe that my children think about their brother in Heaven and how much we MISSED him.  I ALSO wished I could have fit in that balloon!!

To say Goodbye....

Life isnt easy, Some of us go through some of the worst things we never ever thought we would.  I have been thinking about Connor alot lately.  And how much I miss him, I am not sure if some of you realize how much I think about him.  He is in my thoughts ALL the time.  Through my daily life I think about him.  I wish I would have had more time to be his mother.  I have NEVER lost anything that I couldnt replace...I lost him and I couldnt fix it.  I wanted to raise him, I wanted to see him walk and go to school.  I wanted to hear him tell me he loved me.  I NEVER got that, I feel he did though, because he definetly knew who Chris and I were and he would smile at us all the time.  I know I am babbling but I miss him so much.  I hope he knows I would have done anything to have had the chance to say Goodbye, I hope he knows how much I love him and how much I wish he would have stayed with us a little longer.

Mommy loves you Sweet Boy!!

Something I realized yesterday...

So on Monday I wasn't feeling the best about things, a little sad to be honest.  And nothing really went my way.  So last night after Soccer, the kids and I came home.  I had cried the whole way home to myself.  We came upstairs and Mitchell started talking about something that he likes that I do for him.  Then Lindsey was talking about how she wanted ME to go with her on her field trip, and Cate was following me around whining because she wanted ME to pick her up.  I went into my bedroom, sat on my ottoman picked up Cate and listened to what Lindsey was saying, when it hit me.  These 3 children absolutley adore me, they think I am the best thing ever.  And they all want me around and want to be my friend.  They need me and rely on me..and best of all they LOVE me no matter what (even if I get mad and yell at them).  What more could I ask for?  I need them and they need me.  They are truly my blessings!!

PS.  I know Connor loved me too...He ALWAYS wanted me and ONLY me to hold him.  I miss him, I think about the life we could have shared together. 

A Little Pick me Upper

So we all remember back in January, when I got told how crazy I was and I needed mental help by someone who doesnt even know me??

Okay, well the last 2 weeks I got told how much I am loved by the people that do know me??  DO you know how special I feel right now?? 

First, I am not going to name names, because with my reputation I can totally understand if you dont want anyone to know how much you TOTALLY love me.....:)

My Mother is NEVER ashamed of me, so I can name her.  Anyways, she's been there since the moment I found that little boy asleep forever in his crib.  Can you imagine her pain??  She's put up with my drama for 31 years and still loves me...WOW, she must be pretty amazing!!  Thanks for ALWAYS putting up with me Mom, I love you!!

Then, this week Chris and I were talking about how we will always be someone's problem.  It made me really sad because because I dont want to be ANYONE's problem.  But this is who I am now, I was given that sweet boy a short 16 weeks, and I am so sorry I lost him.  But I can't turn my back on it and not talk about it, I cant just act like it never happened.  It will shape me to who I am now.

So, I recieved a card in the mail the other day from a friend, and there was a note in there on all 2 sides of the card.  It made me feel so special, just to know she was thinking of me, and that I not alone.

Then, On Monday I got a visit from another friend, for some reason we didnt come to the door.  SO she left cookies and sent me a email.  It was a great email, and then at the end, she told me that her and her husband at re-newed our Ensign (church Magazine) subsciption.  Which was so enounmously giving.  This sweet friend has been put through some trials herself, with her Husband losing his job and her having to leave her sweet children and working.  I dont think I would have ever been able to do that for another family, just they knew we were having a hard month.  It really taught me something about sacrifice for others and how to be so loving.  I will NEVER forget it.

Then there are those of you, that always call, always leave comments and call me when you are doing your housework just to talk.  I want you to know I leave half the comments I do because I know you will respond and I NEED YOUR WORDS!!

Then there is one SPECIAL someone that has become my friend through this great trial.  She ALWAYS has my back no matter how stupid I act.  She always go shopping with me, to our favorite Thursday hangout, Goodwill.  She always know when I need to go too, when I need to get out of the house.  She's always there and I am so glad for her to be an ADULT friend.  I know I will have her for a lifetime.

I could not possible list all of you but you know who you are.  You are the ones that call ALL the time even though I dont answer.  You are the ones that take me to the DR, even though my husbnd is at home, just because you want to, you are the ones that go with me to the cementary because you want to see where my sweet boy is buried.  I love you all and I wouldnt be ALIVE without you.