SIDS

Okay, so I have said in the beginning that this blog is the good, the bad and the ugly.  Well, here lately I think it's been ALOT of bad and ugly.  There has been something that has bothered me for about a week.  And I have a friend that has a child that has gone through Autism, so I hope she will be able to understand where I am coming from.  I AM TIRED OF PEOPLE THAT THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT SIDS AND SHOULD TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD HAVE OR SHOULDN"T BEEN DOING.  Okay, there I said it.  There is a Mother that lost a child to SIDS aboout a month ago, and I found her through the Blogger world.  Anyways people post all these things on her blog about SIDS that I think is so ridiculous.  For one, I do not believe serotonain levels have anything to do with it.  I was told by the Chief ME for the State of VA, that Connor's levels were all normal.  Another thing, our fan was running in our room.  I am just so tired of other people that have no idea what they are talking about telling other mothers that just went through your WORST nightmare what can be done different.

I have done my RESEACH, do you know how many nights I stayed up all night reading EVERY article on the Internet.  I was so obsessed.....

And this mess about a Angel Care monitor, yes I have one for Caty.  But I have NEVER used it, can you believe that.  Do you know why??  Because SIDS is UNPREVENTABLE...yep you heard that right, unpreventable.  No matter what you do, you can't prevent it.  There is no prevention. 

There are things that medical research says will help, run fans, sleep in their own crib, annual household income over 40,000 a year, your baby's race, your baby's sex, your baby's weight.....Do you want me to go on....

Chris and I were told by Connor's ME, that we fit no criteria......

Now, that I got that off my chest, please dont think I am a expert, because I'm not.  I just think when it comes to death of someone's child, please dont talk statistics with them.  Those things can only hurt their hearts.

2 Whole Years has gone by...

Two years ago yesterday, I opened my eyes an had a feeling come over my whole body that something was wrong.  I jumped up like anyone would do and ran to Connor's room.  I pushed the door open and all I felt was coldness and I heard nothing.  But what I did see was our dog Savannh laying in the middle of the room looking at me.  I ran to Connor's crib and immediatly knew something was very wrong.  In those moments, my life changed FOREVER.  How could this happen to us, and I still have a hard time believing it.  I sometimes wonder how do I go on with all this pain I feel?  How do I live and breathe with all this pain.  I do and I have continued to go on, but please dont ask me how.  I can not give you that answer.  All I can tell you is that My Heavenly Father loves me very much.  He loves my children very much.  And that my Connor is in the only person's arms that could possibly love him more than Chris and I.  And he will be there until my aching arms can hold him again.

The Conclusion...

Okay, so I ran into Mrs. Evil ( the Loser at church that sent me the nasty email back in January) at Walmart 2 wees ago after Lindsey's dance practice.  Anyways she pranced on by me expecting me to say NOTHING...Wrong, she messed with the wrong girl.  I walked right up to her, with all 3 kids in tow, and demanded an apologize.  I told her how the things she said hurt me and upset me really bad.  And that I couldnt understand why she would say those things....Do you know what she proceded to do...She laughed at me, thats when I got mad, really mad!!  I then started asking her why she said the things concerning me and the death of my son, she laughed again and would not comment, good thing for her because had she brought up Connor I probably would have taken all my anger out.  She told me I was Crazy and all about My drama...Okay, great.  I told her she was fake and not the "Molly Mormon" she proclaimed herself to be at church.  She then proceded to drop the F Bomb, which my children are not familiar with. I asked her to stop and started to walk away, and she yelled it like 10 times...Nice right??  I then told her she was showing who she really was, and how terrible of a person she was. I then basically ran out of the store with Mitchell crying, because I didnt get the snacks he needed for his team.  I was crying too at this point.  I sat in the car awhile and then explained to my children what just happened.  How their Mother chose to stand up for herself and for her family.  And that I was sorry I was upset but I wasnt upset with them.  Lindsey just said that she couldnt understand why Sister "Evil" was being so mean to her Mom.  Of course I wanted to say, " Because she's crazy and she better be glad my children were there or I would have slapped her in the face."  Just kidding I would NEVER act in that manner...LOL!!  Anyways I came home to the BEST husband in the World, and I truly mean this..He is the Rock and the reason our marriage has made it through Connor's death.  He made me a promise about 2 days after Connor died in the dark car with our other 2 children sleeping in the back, He told me we would make it, no matter what, we would make it through this.    I love him so much for that.  So, I came home and told him what happened, we talked about all of it.  He agreed that I should have said the things I said and then said, "Well, at church on Sunday, we are going into Sacrament and sit on the row with her and her husband, and then I will have a Nice long talk with him."  I am so glad to be married to the Giant that everyone has ALWAYS been afraid of!! 

Friday Morning I woke up and felt like a huge rock had been lifted off my heart...It felt so good, to get rid of all the pain I had been carrying around since she sent that email.  This may not have been the best way to end this situation, but it felt good to me.....

I Hate March.

Okay, March is the WORST month and probably will be for the rest of my life.  I think about 2 years ago on March the 1st.  We were blessing our sweet baby boy at church.  Wow, was he a BIG boy that day.  I think Grandma Stafford took the 9 mth outfit back and bought the 12mth just so it would button around his neck.  Man, I miss that sweet neck and his smell.  I miss EVERYTHING about him.  They way he loved me, no one will ever love you the way  your children do.  I just miss  his love everyday.  Amy and I went and put flowers on his grave last week, would you have ever thought black daisies and white tulips would be so pretty.  Well, they are.  Everything about him was perfect.  I feel very alone in this world without him.  You ever get that feeling when you leave home like you have forgotten something...I have that feeling ALL THE TIME.  I am never fully complete.  March is just a reminder of what has happened to us. 

On a brighter note, I think sometimes that he isnt here, well the last couple of days have proven me wrong.  It has been very quiet in my house the last couple of days...I have been on the sofa or in the bed.  I hear all sorts of things, the gate coming open at the top of the stairs, little feet running down the hallway, and a quiet voice.  He's here, he hasn't left his mother, I just haven't been listening.

SERIOUSLY???

So My Husband told me on Sunday night, WE HAVE to go back to church this Sunday.  At first I was furious...Really, I'm STILL so freaking mad...Do you want me to KILL some people??  Why should I be forced to go back to church with a bunch of people who hate me, who disrepect the things that have happened in my life...That are so HORRIBLY mean to me and expect me to brush off my son's death.  And then I am suppose to sit there and look at them with their PERFECT little families and then look at how IMPERFECT and INCOMPLETE mine is.  I wonder if some of these so called "righteous" women, would ever look at themselves and just wonder for a second what they would have done if this tradgedy would have happened to them.  How would they feel when they walk around thier house and see an empty bed or an empty seat at the kitchen table??  How they would have felt to look at a little white casket and know their son was in there??  Or how would they feel to have to priotize the months and seasons to flowers and ribbons, so that your son has they BEST looking arrangment on his burial plot.  The BIGGEST thing that bothers me lately is Mitchell, I look at him and it breaks my heart that he NO longer has a Brother here on earth.  He told me the other day when I talked to him about it, "Mom, I still have a Brother."  I looked at him with tears running down my cheeks and said, "Yes, you do."  He is stronger than me, He sees the BIGGER picture.  I have too many emotions that block all the reality.  I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO CHURCH!!!!  There I said it.  But I have to SEE the bigger picture.  I have to see that it is the best thing for ALL my children.  I have to know it is the smartest thing for my family.  I have to go and NOT let people bother me.  It's so hard and I just dont want to do it.  But I have to do it for four reasons:  Lindsey, Mitchell, Connor and Catey....

What if's???

I think everyone has their set of "What if's".  In my situation I have ALOT.  I am going to lay them out today and get them off my chest.  And maybe some of you will understand a little better why my heart is so broken and what my mind battles everyday.  First, I think is, What if I had NEVER had a third child??  We were so content, a boy and a girl, our life was wonderful.  When Mitchell turned 3 in November and my marriage was a little blah, and I started feeling a little incomplete.  I hadnt had this feeling in a LONG time.  By the end of December, after a couple of, we'll call them hard conversations (more life fights) Chris and I had our marriage back on track and were acting like we did when we first started dating.  I guess we were deeply in love and we all know what that leads to.  Anyways, at the beginning of the new year, 2008, I mentioned to Chris, another baby???  Why yes, he thought that would be a GREAT idea and I was so excited and pleased!!  Well, we had a hard time getting pregnant, it wasnt happening...I was 28 now right...was that the problem??  After talking to my wonderful DR., I started peeing on a stick every morning that told me if I was ovulating or not...Well, I finally got pregnant and we were so HAPPY.  At about 6 weeks in, it hit me and hit me HARD.  I know some of you will remember how SICK I was.  It was terrible and didnt go away till about 18 weeks.  There were times when I didnt get out of the bed.  I remember the house being covered with mess from end to end.  I also remember at about 18 weeks I finally cooked a meal and the smile it put on Chris's face.  I remember looking at him and saying it hasnt been that bad has it..and he just started laughing.  It was BAD..really BAD.  But What if I hadnt been that sick, my body was holding a PERFECT spirit, I just didnt know it yet.  I also feel if I hadnt decided to have him, I wouldnt have put myself, Chris, Lindsey and Mitchell through so much heartache and pain.  He was born, he was perfect and my prettiest baby.  He COMPLETED our family, it was AMAZING.  He came home and fit right in.  I had no problems transitioning with another baby.  I was so HAPPY to have him.  It was the first time that I actually felt like I had things under control.  Chris and I were so relaxed with Connor. I guess now, a little too relaxed.  We just felt so good about our little family.  I guess this leads to March 14th, 2009.  What if I hadnt decided to lay him down that morning.  Why didnt I just stay awake and hold him.  What if I hadnt layed him down?  What if I would have first seen him stop breathing?  What if I could have only saved him?  I am his Mother, right...thats what I am suppose to do, protect these children, even from death??  What if I could remember the last time I kissed him.  What if I could remember what he felt like in my arms??  I deal with these what if's everyday.....What if he hadn't died, would I have my sweet Cate??

A Rough Couple Of Weeks

I  have had a extremely rough couple of weeks.  I have cried alot and felt myself lose all the progress I had made.  I was told 2 weeks ago, what a terrible person I am (ie a liar, two faced and cant keep my mouth shut...things to break a person down), I am basically being accused by an extremely immature person for something I didnt do.  So she decided to post some terrible things about me.  What really hurt the most though, is the things she wrote about me pertaining to the death of my child.  That I was trying to attain sympathy, I am full of drama, and everyone is tired of it.  Oh, and that I am a mean and terrible person since he died.  And I need lots of help, professional help. Wow, could break a person down dont you think??  What is amazing to me is that this young lady has NEVER spoke a word to me before, doesnt know me, or how I feel.  But felt the need to attack me this way.  It hurt and hurt alot. But your not suppose to let things like this bother you, your not suppose to let things like this affect your testimony.  Well, I am sorry to say it did.  I do not know how someone could go to church every Sunday, present themselves in the Temple, then turn around and treat ME, of all people this way.    I have had alot of sleepless nights.  When people say these things to you, it hurts and makes you question yourself.  I probably for my sake shouldnt be sharing how bad her actions affected me, but this is my BLOG and I'm allowed.  Maybe writing about it will help.  I can only hope that no one will ever say and treat her the way I have been treated.  Yes, you say I am turning over a new leaf, I am trying. 

Another thing that has me sad today is that I thought about our Super Bowl 2 years ago with Our Connor Boy.  He was here, He was Alive and very much apart of our family.  I miss that little whiny Boy so.  I have posted a couple of pictures of that day.  I hope they make you smile!!

These two are Forever in separable!!

This was OUR little party!!

My 3 kids at the time..



Sweet Boy, Yes, he looks just like me!!