The other day Chris and I were sitting on the couch, he on his side and I on my side holding Cate while she slept. And I caught a glimpse of some pictures that Lindsey had taken to school last week. She was the Spotlight Child and had to take pictures of herself. On the top was a picture of Chris, me, Lindsey and the dog taken in 2002. Lindsey was maybe 1. I just looked at that picture, then at myhusband and started balling. I was so sad because in 2002, we had some much to look forward to. We had an amazing child, Chris had a good job and we moving into this house. We were starting out and we were excited. Why didnt we know what we were going to face 7 years later. Why did this happen to us?? Why? Why? Why? I looked over at my husband and thought, Why did he marry me? If he would have married someone else, then he would have never had this heartache. No one knows how bad it hurts to lose your child. I dont care how old they are.
I just wish this wasnt my life, I wish we didnt have to battle this pain everyday. I NEVER would have ever thought this would have happened to me? Now, I will face as long as I live, and that scares me. How much longer can one deal with pain like this? How do you continue to go on and live life without your child?
Chris will tell you a story about me.....The day after we buried Connor, I had to be put to sleep and have a DNC. The 9 week old baby living inside me no longer had a heart beat. Because it was outpatient, and I freaked out when they tried to separate me from Chris before they put me to sleep, they allowed him to come back and be there when they woke me up. He says that he was watching me, When I woke up and opened my eyes, I looked at him and probably because of all the meds, I started smiling. I smiled for maybe 10-15 seconds, until I remembered what had happened to me......
I don't ever forget what has happened. I will carry that child with me forever. He was and still is my child.
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