Tuesday, February 22, 2011
SERIOUSLY???
So My Husband told me on Sunday night, WE HAVE to go back to church this Sunday. At first I was furious...Really, I'm STILL so freaking mad...Do you want me to KILL some people?? Why should I be forced to go back to church with a bunch of people who hate me, who disrepect the things that have happened in my life...That are so HORRIBLY mean to me and expect me to brush off my son's death. And then I am suppose to sit there and look at them with their PERFECT little families and then look at how IMPERFECT and INCOMPLETE mine is. I wonder if some of these so called "righteous" women, would ever look at themselves and just wonder for a second what they would have done if this tradgedy would have happened to them. How would they feel when they walk around thier house and see an empty bed or an empty seat at the kitchen table?? How they would have felt to look at a little white casket and know their son was in there?? Or how would they feel to have to priotize the months and seasons to flowers and ribbons, so that your son has they BEST looking arrangment on his burial plot. The BIGGEST thing that bothers me lately is Mitchell, I look at him and it breaks my heart that he NO longer has a Brother here on earth. He told me the other day when I talked to him about it, "Mom, I still have a Brother." I looked at him with tears running down my cheeks and said, "Yes, you do." He is stronger than me, He sees the BIGGER picture. I have too many emotions that block all the reality. I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO CHURCH!!!! There I said it. But I have to SEE the bigger picture. I have to see that it is the best thing for ALL my children. I have to know it is the smartest thing for my family. I have to go and NOT let people bother me. It's so hard and I just dont want to do it. But I have to do it for four reasons: Lindsey, Mitchell, Connor and Catey....
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Lisa..I'm so sorry that happened to you...I'm so sorry that anyone felt that they needed to do this to another person. I don't understand everything you are going through, and I hope I never have too...but one thing I learned a long time ago....it's totally OK to be mad at the people who did this, but not the Church. And I'm not saying you shouldn't feel like you do, because like I said, I hope I never understand what you're going through. If Jesus were there, he wouldn't approve of what those women did. Unfortunately women who try to be righteous sometimes make mistakes as well...and we all know how petty and catty women can be. I hope one day she realizes what she did. So when you do finally go to Church, just go to hear the message...you don't have to go there to make friends/socialize. Remember..you will be there for your family... I was really angry w/ God a while back and quit going to church and praying, and now that I've been active again, I totally have more peace in my life. Todd and I are worried about your family. Know that we love you, and are praying for your family.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jodi..I have quit praying, it's just really hard. It's really hard to do the right thing when you feel so much wrong as been done to you. I do feel terrible in the back of my mind about some decisions I have made. Definetly about not going to Church and reading my Scriptures. But it is just not easy to do the right things. I just have ALOT of anger. I just want my child back. And I NEVER wanted this to happen to me. It's just not fair. I was doing the right thing and this is what I got in return...it's terrible to feel that way but I do. Thanks so much for the thoughts and prayers. We love you guys too, I wish you were closer.
ReplyDeleteLisa...My parents lost a baby too, way back in the day. In fact, my dad and mom never saw him. My dad was stationed in Vietnam, and my mom was taken back for an emergency c-section, and he died before she ever woke up. She was in a coma for a few days.
ReplyDeleteMy mother shed many a tears. It took her 5.5 years to even have another baby. Her body just wouldn't do it!
What I want to share with you, is that she too had comments from family members and people at church. It took her a year and half to take down the crib. She and my dad never talked about it for one year! With that said, she NEVER gave up on her FAITH! She new with out a shout of a doubt, that the LORD had blessed her with a PERFECT son, and it was up to her to live her life righteously to be reunited with him. She has never forgotten to pray or read her scriptures. The WOMAN has more FAITH then I will ever have. That is why I am convinced she is still here on earth. She should have been dead many year ago (at least that is what her doctors told us this summer).
During certain times of her life, she has felt his presence around. She knows he comes back just to check in. She knows it is because of her faith. Hold strong to your faith, take baby steps if you have too, but I promise you will NEVER forget, but if you keep eternity in sight, you can never go wrong. It is obvious CONNOR mission has been complete, and the LORD needed him home.
I too have lost a baby. Although I was only 18 weeks, I saw him or her on the ultrasound, so his perfect little body and face and heard his strong heart beat. It was hard, yes, but I promise it does get easier.
Chris loves you and your HEAVENLY FATHER and PARENTS love you. Hold on to that LOVE.!!
I am here if you ever need to talk! Remember NO family is PERFECT and and ALL families have disfunction. Best quote I ever heard, while studying Psychology in college. So ignore the DUMB ladies in your ward!!
Love, Heather Kemmey
Thanks, Heather for your kind words. Wow, your Mother is an amazing and strong woman. She is definetly stronger than me too. I try to hold on to the Eternal Perspective of things, but it's so hard when your so hurt. It's so hard to feel loved and cared for when your so hurt. I really appreciate your words and they touched me deeply.
ReplyDeleteLisa, I have a suggestion. When you have a minute, write a letter to these women on what they did and how they make you feel. Hold on to it for a few days and if you want to send it to them, do it. If you don't, just burn it and let go of your hurt and anger. Walk into your church with your head held high and make sure you just ignore them. If you were able to talk to the church before you go, ask if someone could talk to these people and let them know how bad it's been on you. Your the one in pain, and nothing has happened to them. You don't need them to take away your support system when you need it most. The church is for everyone and it's not fair someone's stupidity has kept you away.
ReplyDeleteWith love,
Michelle
Lisa, I am a bad catholic and I know that my faith is a different one. I do believe that church is important for your religious growth and your children's relationship with God. BUT, I think He knows your heart. I feel like he has walked this walk with you and understands that if facing these women is too much for you right now. Take the times that you need and know that HE is with you through it, as are your friends who love you...like me :)
ReplyDeleteI saw your comment on baby maddie's blog and decided to check out yours. I am so sorry for your loss. People might say "it's been 2 years.. Get over it". But if they had been through what you have been through, they would realize that you don't ever "get over it".. I have never lost a child but I lost my best friend and sister 4 years ago.. I was angry too. at God, at her doctors, at her for giving up. I still have meltdowns from time to time. I know that this isn't exactly comparable to what you are going through.. Losing one of my children is my worst fear.. But I do know the heartache of wanting so bad to hear their voice one more time, to see their smile, to have them back in your life. I would give almost anything! I am sorry for what you have experienced with others at church. For someone to pass judgement on you like that is so sad. I can see how much you are hurting and I know that there's nothing anyone could say to make it better but the least people could do would be to be sensitive and understanding.. I hope you can find the peace that you need!! Little Connor will always be with you!
ReplyDelete