What if's???

I think everyone has their set of "What if's".  In my situation I have ALOT.  I am going to lay them out today and get them off my chest.  And maybe some of you will understand a little better why my heart is so broken and what my mind battles everyday.  First, I think is, What if I had NEVER had a third child??  We were so content, a boy and a girl, our life was wonderful.  When Mitchell turned 3 in November and my marriage was a little blah, and I started feeling a little incomplete.  I hadnt had this feeling in a LONG time.  By the end of December, after a couple of, we'll call them hard conversations (more life fights) Chris and I had our marriage back on track and were acting like we did when we first started dating.  I guess we were deeply in love and we all know what that leads to.  Anyways, at the beginning of the new year, 2008, I mentioned to Chris, another baby???  Why yes, he thought that would be a GREAT idea and I was so excited and pleased!!  Well, we had a hard time getting pregnant, it wasnt happening...I was 28 now right...was that the problem??  After talking to my wonderful DR., I started peeing on a stick every morning that told me if I was ovulating or not...Well, I finally got pregnant and we were so HAPPY.  At about 6 weeks in, it hit me and hit me HARD.  I know some of you will remember how SICK I was.  It was terrible and didnt go away till about 18 weeks.  There were times when I didnt get out of the bed.  I remember the house being covered with mess from end to end.  I also remember at about 18 weeks I finally cooked a meal and the smile it put on Chris's face.  I remember looking at him and saying it hasnt been that bad has it..and he just started laughing.  It was BAD..really BAD.  But What if I hadnt been that sick, my body was holding a PERFECT spirit, I just didnt know it yet.  I also feel if I hadnt decided to have him, I wouldnt have put myself, Chris, Lindsey and Mitchell through so much heartache and pain.  He was born, he was perfect and my prettiest baby.  He COMPLETED our family, it was AMAZING.  He came home and fit right in.  I had no problems transitioning with another baby.  I was so HAPPY to have him.  It was the first time that I actually felt like I had things under control.  Chris and I were so relaxed with Connor. I guess now, a little too relaxed.  We just felt so good about our little family.  I guess this leads to March 14th, 2009.  What if I hadnt decided to lay him down that morning.  Why didnt I just stay awake and hold him.  What if I hadnt layed him down?  What if I would have first seen him stop breathing?  What if I could have only saved him?  I am his Mother, right...thats what I am suppose to do, protect these children, even from death??  What if I could remember the last time I kissed him.  What if I could remember what he felt like in my arms??  I deal with these what if's everyday.....What if he hadn't died, would I have my sweet Cate??