This is NOT for the light hearted.....

Well...The only way I can get it all out is to tell it like it is.  So if you expect nice, this isnt where I am right now.  I am in an extremely angry place.  My therapist says I need to right down my feelings and here I am.  I felt like this is where I needed to be able to express myself so I could be held accountable and I am not hiding anymore.  I am TIRED...I am so exhausted from acting like everything is okay.  Behind the closed doors at 235 Cedar Ridge Drive, EVERYTHING is not okay.  I am so annoyed with so many things.  Maybe by writing them down I can get them out and be able to let them go.  I sometimes want to die so I can hold my little boy again, but them what about Chris, Lindsey, Mitchell and Cate.  They are the only things that keep me here.  WOW..I cant really believe I wrote that but it needed to be said.  I feel so torn, I want Connor but I cant leave these guys....they would be so devastated.  Sometimes I feel angry at Connor for leaving us, why couldn't he have fought harder to stay.  We could have been a GREAT family, now we are such an incomplete family.